he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The beer is more important than you right now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
