You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
