I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Floor bacon is actually really good
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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