I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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