then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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