Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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