Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
