I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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