If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
