it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
