she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
