i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
