i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
