just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
