Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
