Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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