The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
