Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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