Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
