hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
