It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Are my feet made of real feet?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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