Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
