guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
