I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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