Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
