saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
