Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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