if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
