I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
