If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
