All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just want nice things and good sex
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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