You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
