gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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