before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
