rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
