If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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