This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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