just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
God, I missed his penis.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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