do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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