i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
