You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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