I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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