Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???