Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Use "feeling words"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges