turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work