you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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