The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
