it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
