Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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