You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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