To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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