I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
