I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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