I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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