So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I looked at my own cervix.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Randomize
