she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
