Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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