It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
