I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
