I CAN MOONWALK!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
