if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i want to swaddle you in tequila
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
