saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
