My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
