it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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