we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
